*P.S.A.* I hate this post already. This is definitely the cheesiest, most emo thing I’ve written thus far. Also, this writing is brief and more of a contemplative monologue than anything. But I said I wanted to write down my thoughts……smart move on my part. So, here are some thoughts to ponder. Enjoy, I guess.
Tonight, I was feeling anxious so I got in my car and started to drive. It didn’t matter where. I do that a lot. Weird, I know, but I actually enjoy driving. It seems most people hate it but I find the solitude of my car to be a very cathartic place. It gives me time to myself, time to think (no surprise there), and time to completely blast music at an obnoxious volume. Tonight I ended up in a random neighborhood and took a walk. I realize this was probably an unwise and slightly unsafe decision, considering how late it was, but I needed fresh air. I left my phone in the car and walked to a dimly lit curb and continued to drink my crappy 7-11 coffee.
***ok, completely unrelated but can I just vent on coffee for a sec? I love coffee. It’s my lifeblood. But flaunting your fancy, organic, whatever coffee at the newest whatever hipster shop you’ve discovered doesn’t make you cool. It makes you annoying. No one cares. I love a cup of quality coffee but at the end of the day, any kind of coffee will do as long as it gets the job done. I’m sure many would firmly disagree with me on this.***
But okay, anyways, upon finding a decent spot, I closed my eyes and tried to shut my brain off and just be still, if only for moment. As I sat, I breathed in a deep breathe of crisp air and started to observe to the noises around me. It’s surprising what you discover when you don’t have a screen glued to your face. I heard cars zooming by, the opening and closing of bus doors, trash cans being rolled in, people talking, the wind blowing….it was really lovely, actually. Then this thought hit me, “You just need to listen.” Perhaps God was speaking to me in this moment, I’m not sure. But I sensed it was important to pause and focus on what I could hear, instead of what I couldn’t.
My life gets wildly busy at times. There seems to be an ever growing list of tasks to accomplish, that for whatever reason, never get done. That’s mostly my fault, seeing as I am a self – proclaimed professional procrastinator. I just keep putting things off, one by one because I know it’ll somehow get done, right? I find I do this with many other things as well and unfortunately, I tend to do this with God. I severely dislike that about my character, like, why do I do that? Why would I close myself off to the one answer to every problem I’m facing? Hearing his voice is such a perplexing thing to say sometimes, because what IS his voice? Ninety nine percent of the time, it’s not audible (I envy the one percent), it’s not loud, and it’s not always clear. But his voice speaks truth, and why would I want to deny that? I’m guessing its because I don’t want it most of the time. Sad but true. But in that moment on the curb, I just felt I needed to be still.
That tug on your heart, the small voice in your head that urges you to do the right thing, I believe that to be God’s voice revealed through His Spirit. It can speak at any moment. Maybe it’s speaking to you now and you’re not even aware. He reveals himself is the most peculiar ways sometimes and it takes an open heart and mind to see it. But openness without willingness is worthless. You can be open to hear the voice of God, but are you willing to listen to what He has to say? Are you willing to meditate on in it? Are you willing to live it out in obedience? These are the questions that stir my spirit in those quiet moments. He has promised that if we can ask, seek, and knock, He will open the door to those who humbly seek Him.
We are so blessed. Like, SO blessed! I can’t comprehend the magnitude of His love and his kindness. As we listen to him, he also listens to us. He wants to know us. He wants to communicate with US despite every mess we’ve made. What a gift. Why would I ever deny this? “My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me.” (John 10:27)
I strive to listen and seek Him in prayer. To still my spirit, and listen, despite the chaos. It’s not easy but it is well worth every moment. You should try it too. You might actually hear something.
“God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pains. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.” – C.S. Lewis
The Ballad of my Brain 